After a long day of hard reflection befitting a man of my ability, I have created the ultimate New Year’s resolution for every unfortunate who must labor through the onerous custom of making New Year’s resolutions only to suffer mind-breaking regret a few weeks later when you break them all. Yes, ladies and gentleman! You can burn your troubles on a New Year’s Day fire because your friendly lawyer-to-be has crafted the Holy Grail of New Year’s resolutions that will guarantee you one successful resolution!
Magic? No way! Just accept that your talents don’t lie in making and keeping New Year’s resolutions. Then turn that to your advantage. However, enough of me and on to the Holy Grail of New Year’s Resolutions!
In order for the Holy Grail to work, you need to make multiple resolutions, but first place your left hand on your hip, point to the abstract future for the sake of all spectators, and emphatically declare in a true legend’s voice:
MY FIRST NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION:
I WILL BREAK ALL OF MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS!
After you uttered this profundity for posterity, proceed to make your New Year’s Resolutions with the confidence that you will win the end game! When your befuddled family and friends bombarded you with inquiring shells of doubt and disbelief, rise to the occasion with logic that could only issue forth from the mouth of a New Year’s Resolution paragon.
If I break my subsequent New Year’s Resolutions, I will keep my first New Year’s Resolution. If I keep my first New Year’s Resolution, I will have broken my first New Year’s Resolution, thus finally keeping a New Year’s Resolution!
As your bewildered family and friends ponder the circular logic and suffer through the agony of their own broken New Year’s Resolutions, you can rest assured that, at the end of 2018, you will always win on keeping your New Year’s Resolution!
Happy New Year, my geniuses!