Nature Bites Russian Woman In The Ass: Sea Turtle Almost Drowns Her.

Since I posted my announcement regarding a shift in my blog’s commentary tone, the uncanny algorithms that follow me around the internet have taken my new-found focus on the bizarre a little too seriously. I am now bombarded with social media posts regarding the wacky and bizarre in our world.

Today was no different as I was greeted with the following gem from the New York Post today: “I was bitten on the butt and nearly drowned by an angry sea turtle.” Cue John Williams and the Jaws theme song.

64 year-old Russian tourist, Lidia Bazarova, was bitten on the backside by a loggerhead sea turtle while on vacation in Turkey. The vicious creature subsequently let go before he returned for seconds. When a good Samaritan intervened, the epicure switched his focus from rump to shoulder, attempting to savor the lifeguard’s shoulder.

Just like that, folks, we have our newest ripoff of “Jaws.” What will we call it? “Beak?”

I, however, have a better idea that the obvious implication conveyed by the New York post. Ukraine has figured out how to weaponize sea turtles. On the day that it summoned the Turkish ambassador for a palaver about Russian weapons shipments through Turkey, its new, top-secret commando unit attacked in Turkish waters, striking a blow against both Turkey and Russia. To their credit, the Ukrainians did not need mutations like Americans do in their movies. They went with 100% pure animal beak.

The message is clear. Respect the beak or the beak will bite you.

Only time will tell many of these terrorizing deep sea commandos Ukraine has developed. For now, I imagine the Russian version of Captain Quint gearing up to wage warfare against Kiev’s latest weapon: the Beak of Kiev.

Cameron L. Atkinson

Cameron Atkinson is a Christian, a published constitutional scholar, a trial and appellate lawyer, and a general hell-raiser. He has received national recognition for his victories in civil rights cases, especially in First Amendment cases. Attorney Atkinson stands out for his written advocacy, and he has taken the lead role in briefing cases to the United States Supreme Court, the United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit, the Connecticut Supreme Court, the Connecticut Appellate Court, and multiple New York appellate courts. Attorney Atkinson has successfully represented clients facing criminal charges, including successfully arguing for the reversal of a sexual assault conviction before the Connecticut Supreme Court. He will accept requests for public speaking engagements on a case-by-case basis.

You may also like...

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: